More on my life with David

Some times I feel like it's not worth adding any more to this blog.  Who wants to read it anyway?  Didn't I cover all the interesting stuff?  After reading it this morning.... I guess not.  There is still more to my life to record.  Anyway... Anonymous sent me an email stating it's time to add more to my blog.  So, for him I will.
For this blog I just want to type about my feelings.  A little history---but mostly my feelings.  
As I stated earlier, I thought David was the nicest guy.  He just swept me off my feet.  As I learned through my 30 years of being married to him---he was excellent at saying and doing what he thought others wanted to hear and see.  I now know that he was being so nice in order to win me over so I would marry him.  I was a very naïve girl.  Socially retarded to say the least.  My dad and I never had a good relationship.  I was very insecure and felt very inferior to others.  BUT...I was a good person.  I had morals, was trustworthy, had a brain and most guys found me fun to be around.  I know David saw me as a good person that he could trust.  A woman he could count on!  I'm sure he also figured I would be able to cook his meals, wash his clothes and clean his house. 
I thought I was marrying a man that would work hard--- at his employment as well as at home.  That's how my dad did...I just thought that's how all men did.  I had no idea David drank as much as he did...while dating he held it down.  But then...I only knew him 3 months when I said "I do".  Maybe if I had dated longer I would have had the chance to get to know the real David Nelson.  And... maybe I wouldn't have been so anxious to say "I do". 
After we got married David continued to work 6 days a week.  But after we married he spent more of his free time with his buddies.  He never came home right after work.  The whole bunch of them had a case or two of beer to drink, and that was way more appealing to him than spending the evening with me.   David was very intimidating and, frankly, I was a bit scared of him.  When he told me to do something---I did it.  So I spent my time working at the hospital, coming home and doing laundry, cleaning and cooking a balanced meal.  I was very lonely at this time.
It didn't take me very long to realize that I might have screwed up.  I remember one morning David was in bed and I was up.  I was feeling totally unhappy and wishing I wasn't in this marriage.  I decided to go for a walk to think things out.  I just left the house and walked.  I must have walked for a good hour or two when all of a sudden who should drive up...David.  He was scared I'd left him and promised to change.  He said he'd spend more time with me and BLA BLA BLA.   This is what David was good at...he always convinced me that he WANTED to change and be a good husband.  I came home and life went on.  I'm sure he was attentive for a day or two.   But... he didn't change.  Another time I left and came home to a note he wrote (which I still have)  stating he loves me and I mean everything to him and this time he really will change.  BLA BLA BLA again.  But---I bought it (again). 
After Mike was born and I was pregnant with Patty his drinking continued.  He worked, he drank, he came home and yelled at me for not keeping the house clean or his pants ironed, or any number of other demands that he had.  Life just totally sucked.  One Saturday morning Robert came over and David and he were laughing and planning on heading to work and then the bars.  I was standing in the living room ironing his clothes as he prepared to leave.  I just looked at him and said "if I'm not home when you get home...don't worry".  He laughed and said I'd better be home.  The minute he walked out the door I called my sister Judy (she lived in Long Beach at the time) and told her I wanted to come down to visit.  She was thrilled.  I packed up Mike and myself and drove to SF International.  I was so stressed I parked in the short-term parking lot and got on the plane for Long Beach.  Judy and Gary were so happy to see me.  On Monday we went to Knots Berry Farm, where Gary carried Mike around and even played with him.  Sunday was super-bowl and Judy told me I should take Mike to the park so Gary could watch the game.  Judy had to work that day.  It was so nice to be on my own and not have David yelling at me!  By Tuesday I thought I should let David know where I was.  I was sure he'd be furious and was sure the marriage was over.  I called him--told him I was in Long Beach with Judy and would come home the next day.  Good by.   I was sure all my belongings would be sitting outside the front door when I got home.  But, true to David's nature, he was sorry for being a jerk and promised to change.  He loved me and wanted me to stay.  I was sure he meant it this time!   This trip did scare him enough that he quit drinking.  His personality didn't change, but he did quit the drinking. 
After that there were so many times I wanted out of the marriage I couldn't even count them.  He was so demanding, so mean.  One time he went totally crazy because I dressed the kids in a onesie to go to the grocery store.  He would call me stupid for not knowing that the kids should have on regular clothes when they go up town.  Back then he did not help clean the house at all.  When he'd get home he'd go ballistic if there were toys on the floor.  He'd get all upset if the sink wasn't wiped clean and the facet wasn't sparkling.  His mother always kept a clean house and raised him and his siblings---what was the matter with me?? ( By the way, his mom's bathroom sink wasn't always sparkling clean!)  Since he quit drinking he'd be home around 6:00pm each night.  He insisted the kids be in bed by 8:00pm.  If they cried or carried on he'd get mad at me and tell me I wasn't a good mom.  Good moms always put there kids in bed by 8:00 and the parents would have time to themselves.  NEVER ONCE did he change a diaper!!   NEV ER!   Once I wanted to go to Relief Society and left Mike and Patty with him.  I got a call at RS from him... Patty had pooped her diaper.  I told him to take care of it... I'd be home in about an hour.  When I got home Patty was laying in the tub screaming--with a poopy diaper on.  He felt NO guilt about that...he thought I should feel bad since it was MY FAULT.  I did feel bad...that poor baby lay in that cold tub for over an hour while her dad watched TV. 
By this time David was attending church.  All the members thought he was the greatest dad, super husband and told me how lucky I was to be married to such a spiritual guy. 
I was at my wits end.  I went to Bishop Folger to see if he could help me.  I told him I really needed a little help with the kids and house.  All I wanted was David to watch the kids once in awhile when I  went out, to change a diaper or two and BE NICE!!!   David was the Executive Secretary or something like that...anyway, he attended the Bishopric meetings.  The Sunday after I talked to Bishop Folger, he took David into his office and TOLD DAVID HE NEEDED TO GET MORE CONTROL OF HIS WIFE.  David came home all smug and told me the Lord wants me to quit complaining and do what he tells me to do!!    Of course!!  what would I have to complain about?  David had everyone convinced he held Family Home Evening every week, had family prayer, played with the kids and totally supported me in my callings.  The sad thing is...David had a way of intimidating me and scaring me.  I was the typical abused woman.  I felt I wasn't worth shit.  I couldn't figure out why I couldn't keep a spotless house, have constantly happy kids, keep the washing and ironing done...what WAS my problem?   I was such a failure. 
When things got unbearable I asked David if we could go to counseling.  He reluctantly agreed.  What a mistake that was!  In his typical way he convinced the counselor that he was the perfect father, husband and employee.  He flat out lied!!  He would tell the counselor how he played with his kids, helped with the chores and took us on wonderful vacations.  All while holding down his demanding job!!  By the time he got done talking I was almost convinced!!! Only problem--I was living with the psycho!!    So... the Bishop wouldn't help me,  counseling was out of the question, what next???  
I really loved my kids.  I  was hoping I was a good mother.  I tried to be.  David constantly told me I was a failure and the kids were "brats" because I wasn't raising them correctly.  David would get so mad he wanted to get rid of the kids.  They were not behaving like HIS kids should be!!   Life was just plain tough.  David constantly compared me to other mothers in the Ward.  Why can't YOUR kids be like the Wiseman kids...why can't you keep house like Sis. Wiseman does?   Yeah...well, today I'm glad none of my kids committed suicide like one of the Wiseman kids!!   Any members house that we would go in, David would compare to ours.  "look how nice they decorate"  "look how clean their house is"  "look how organized their kids toys are".  I really resented him for this...and it wore me down more.  Made me feel worse. 
After we bought the print shop and I was to run it...things just got worse.  He constantly told me I didn't know what I was doing (DUH), he told me how I should have done things and just constantly bitched at me.  FINALLY I decided to go to counseling by myself.  Pat Travis wasn't the best counselor... but he did say one thing that changed my life.  He told me I DIDN'T HAVE TO DO ANYTHING I DIDN'T WANT TO DO!!   I agued with him!  I said that might be fine for "should I sew or knit today", but I HAD to do what David told me to do.  He say NO-You don't!!   He asked me what would happen if I didn't do what David said?  I had no idea...I just know I BETTER do what he said!   That day changed my life.  I quit trying to please David and I started working on me.  He didn't like this one bit.  He continued to yell, he continued to demand--but I only did what I felt I should be doing.  Life wasn't fun...he didn't change one bit. 
During this time I did pray--- a lot!!   I kept praying that Heavenly Father would help us.  I prayed that David wouldn't be so mean!!   When we went to Salt Lake City on our way to taking Ken to the MTC...I wanted the 3 of us to go to the Temple together.  David said no way.  He was tired and wanted to stay in the motel.  (this was our second day there...not the day he drove) I went to the Temple alone and kept praying  "please Heavenly Father, help me in this marriage"  While in the Celestial Room I felt a warm feeling and knew Heavenly Father was listening and He was going to help me.  I really felt so good.  Finally David was going to be nicer and our marriage would be better!!   Little did I know that Heavenly Father had another idea. 
David never did change.  When he was dying and couldn't even lift a glass to his mouth... I would lift the glass and position the straw so he could drink...all the while he was cussing at me for not putting the straw in the correct position.  As he took his last breath and I was holding him... all I could thinks was "why?  why couldn't he just be nice to me and the kids?"